Ally’s Surefire way to Write a Scientific Grant Proposal in 1.5 Days

Let’s face it… we all overcommit, especially when it comes to grant writing. You see a nice juicy call for a proposal (and your eyes do that cartoon dollar sign thing) and it perfectly fits your research like a size 9 foot in a size 7 shoe. You say, “this is the time… the time that I will stay on top of my life”. You manifest “I will write this grant so far in advance that I will have my entire committee read it, present it for feedback in lab meeting, and turn it in a week early”. And then you look left, right, left to cross the street and bam… a month passed by…now the grant is due tomorrow. Well, we’ve all been there… here is my surefire way to write the grant in a day and a half.

6:00 am- Workout

We cannot get our mind ready to write unless our body is ready. It doesn’t matter that you haven’t worked out in two months, you get your booty to the gym! Get that workout on, sweat out all the frustration on why you’ve procrastinated so much. You cannot effectively write if you don’t truly forgive your past self for all this anguish you’ve put yourself in. So, start the day with a win and hey maybe even sign up for a new workout program (you are on your shit today!)

8:00 am- Eat a good Breakfast

Your brain needs nourishment to perform its best. Eating a good, healthy breakfast is an important step in the writing process. So make sure to really chef it up. Something that doesn’t take a long time to make and is high in protein. I suggest pancakes or French toast. These are great for really getting you set up for success in your writing day. Don’t forget a side of fruit, so make sure to cut up some grapes but don’t eat them… because you don’t like grapes and you still don’t like grapes…why do you buy grapes all the time?

9:00 am- Shower and Self-care

Look good, feel good, write good. You are still so stinky from your workout, go shower kid! You certainty don’t want a yeast infection from wearing those nasty workout clothes all morning. Yeast infections are NOT ideal for the writing process (or any time). So, make sure to get a shower, wash your hair, maybe shave your legs. Also, you have been procrastinating on your skin care, so wash your face and put on all your favorite serums and DON’T FORGET your Gua Sha because that does so much for your puffy face – its ~scientifically~ proven by the experts (CITE HERE).

10:00 am- Take a Power Nap

You haven’t gotten up this early since high school! You can’t write if you’re tired, proven fact by someone at Harvard? Yale?. So make sure to get a little nap in. It will help you think clearly and really focus on your writing. You will wake up feeling so refreshed from your power nap. Since you power napped you never enter a REM cycle you won’t feel groggy after your nap.

1:00 pm- Eat Lunch

Okay your power nap turned into a napping nap, you must’ve really needed it! Well now its past noon so you must eat lunch, can’t write hungry (see “Eat Breakfast” for more). Maybe something light and easy so you don’t feel to full and sleepy… like a hamburger, fries, and a milkshake. Yes, the classic American lunch, proven for productivity and good heart health! (McDonald 1967) Just what you need before you write, plus comfort food is good for the soul. What’s good for the soul -> good for the mind = good writing.

2:00 pm- Coffee Shop Writing

You need to have some ambiance for good grant writing. That’s what I love about coffee shops, they are truly the perfect setting for grant writing. Everything you need, espresso, calming music, oh and you are really good friends with the baristas! Seeing friendly faces can give you motivation to start your writing journey!

3:00 pm- Therapy

I mean you already had it scheduled… if you cancel now, they will still charge you (thanks US healthcare). Plus, you can talk to your therapist on good ways to help you destress and coping mechanisms for dealing with the high stress of grant writing.

4:00 pm- Cry

Okay, you tried to talk to your therapist about good coping mechanisms for dealing with stress of grant writing… but it reminded you of your third-grade best friend who bullied you because you didn’t know the difference between ‘your’ and ‘you’re’. You were just a little kid, you have to let your inner child heal before you can handle the adult tasks… like writing a grant.

5:00 pm- Eat Dinner

Eating a good dinner is so important for grant writing! See Breakfast and lunch for more.

6:00 pm- Clean

A tidy space is a clean mind. You must clean your space so you can have a clean mind before you can even think to start about grant writing! You won’t be able to think if the dishes are dirty, laundry isn’t folded, and your bathroom is scrubbed to a Mr. Clean standard of clean.

8:00 pm- Sit Down to Write

Just sitting down to write will give you the motivation to get started. You don’t need to commit to writing just yet, but just sit down with your blank word doc open. The flashing of the typing curser will be motivation enough to begin writing. Plus, night is the best time to begin writing anyways! With the sundown and the stars there are absolutely no distractions for writing your very important grant!

9:00 pm- Play the Guitar

Okay so you just spent an hour watching shitty 5-month-old tik-toks on Facebook like a grandma. You need to get your fingers warmed up so pull out that dusty guitar that you haven’t played in months and get those fingers warmed and ready to type. It will have the added benefit of getting you into a creative mood to write the best grant of your life.

10:00 pm- Write a Blog Post

The hardest part of writing a grant is just getting started. So rather than writing the grant start by writing something easy! A blog post for your neglected blog, Resources for Researchers, will definitely get those creative juices going! Since it’s still science, kind of, it will get you amped up to write this grant proposal (and you feel productive because now you have a blog post!) You are a genus!

11:00 pm- Write the Title Page and Format

The number one reason people don’t get grants is not because they wrote them in less than a day but because they didn’t read the directions! Make sure you don’t make that mistake. Format the page exactly perfectly, write the title, the authors. Get all the logistics set so you can just go ahead and write the grant. This way it will ensure you will not be penalized just because you didn’t format it correctly!

12:00 am- Make an outline

Although your grant is due in 5 hours, make an outline, this will help you because then you don’t actually need to ~write~ the grant you are just connecting all the parts of the outline together! Easy money $$$

2:00 am- Research

Pull out some papers that you think will be mildly useful as citations. Read them very, very carefully. Imagine you are going to give a lab presentation on this papers and you know that one labmate (you know who you are) will certainly ask how the quantum physics of butterfly wings effects the wind distribution that ultimately cause climate change. Make sure you are ready for all those questions. Also don’t cite any of these papers in your grant.

4:00 am- Write the Grant

You are so tired. Just write. Words on the page. Any words, they don’t need to make sense just words and more words. That’s what editing is for! Something is better than nothing, so hell just write and cut in a bit. Any idea, no matter how dumb, will certainly work for this, did you know batman’s bat-mobile caused invasive species. Fact! (CITE THIS LATER B*TCH)

6:00 am- Power nap

Okay you now officially have words on the paper! Just get a little power nap in. You can edit later with a clear mind.

10:00 am- Your F*cked

Yep, everything you wrote last night is garbage and you’re little powernap was way longer than you expected it. It’s okay that’s why we have advisors! Call your advisor in tears and ask if he can edit it. Remind him he is the best advisor in the whole world and if you get this grant, you will stop bugging him for money and that you will NEVER do this again … this year (its December so you won’t lie).

3:00pm- Hot Garbage is still ~HOT~

Since your advisor is really the best advisor ever, he agrees to sprinkle some rainbow sprinkles on your massive pile of shit. Accept ALL edits. I mean he has the degree, you don’t. Trust is key in a good advisor/ mentee relationship anyways.

4:00 pm- One Hour left

You forgot the budget document. Shit they want to know what you are going to do with all that money. Fair. Travel, housing… shit I’m already out of budget. Whatever I don’t need equipment I will just use my gloveless hands and 10,000 ziplock bags for sampling.

4:59 pm- Submit Grant

You did it! You finished the grant! Submit that bad boy and pray your laptop doesn’t explode trying to create a pdf.

5:01 pm- Go to Bed

Your day is over you already worked hard enough for the rest of the week.

… 3 months later (in a SpongeBob narrator voice)…

“Dear Ms. Valdez,

We regret to inform you…”

F$#)!_%&Q($*$#*&Q&%()#&@()!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!